While there are over 100 episodes of Gossip Girl, there is one that has always stuck out to me: the infamous threesome. Now, there were a lot of things wrong with this particular scene. First of all, for most of us, this was the first thing we saw Hilary Duff in post-Lizzie McGuire. Not exactly Disney Channel material. Second, the three of them went about it all wrong.
Not that anyone decided to have a threesome based on Gossip Girl (Dan and Vanessa could never have that kind of influence), but I’m here to tell you everything Dan, Olivia (yes, I had to google to find out her characters name, she was always just Hilary Duff), and Vanessa did wrong — and how they gave threesomes a bad name.
We all know the basics of a threesome: three people having sex at once. Easy enough, right? No. There’s so much more that goes into a successful ménage à trois. First of all, it’s not always about two girls worshipping a man at the same time. We’ve all seen the SNL skit — a threesome can also be two males and a female or even three females or three males.
There is also this misconception that a threesome is every guy’s fantasy and the girlfriends just go along with it, and that’s definitely not the case. Threesomes are exciting and adventurous for both sexes, and it’s often initiated and fantasized by women too.
So, whether you’re a unicorn (the term given to women who are seeking couples to be the third) or discussing the possibility of a threesome with a partner, you’ve come to the right place. Here is every step you need to take before you and two others get under the sheets.
1. Talk about it
If you’re deciding with your partner to bring in another person, you have a lot to talk about. You need to establish what exactly each of you wants out of the experience. Is it a fantasy that you just want to try once, or are you interested in making it an ongoing thing? How do you want to be involved? How do you want your partner to be involved? Answer each other’s questions openly and honestly. Trust is truly at the foundation of a successful threesome, so you and your partner should be able to talk everything through.
Jealousy is bound to come up during a threesome, and as awkward and mood-killing as it is to talk about it, it is necessary to make a threesome work. You might not know how exactly you’ll feel watching your partner with someone else or being with someone else instead of your partner. Some people will immediately have a negative reaction and want the process to stop; others might be surprised at how much it doesn’t bother them. Neither is right or wrong, and you should discuss with a partner to make sure each of you feels supported regardless of how you react.
This all falls in line much more for people who are a couple, but as a unicorn, it’s also important to be open and honest with yourself. What do you want out of this experience? Understanding your thoughts, ideas, hopes, and (wet) dreams (ha, I couldn’t resist) for a threesome are majorly important for making it be as successful as possible.
2. Be open with your sexuality
Just because you identify as straight doesn’t mean you have to swear yourself away from touching another woman or getting involved in the threesome in that way. Of course, don’t do anything you’re not comfortable doing, but let go of inhibitions and allow yourself to have fun in whatever way feels right to you in the moment. It doesn’t have to make you have an existential crisis about your sexuality either. Sexuality is a spectrum, and it changes throughout our lives.
3. Decide who you want it to be
Now’s the time to pick who you want to have a threesome with. Do you want to recruit a friend? Do you have someone in mind? There are also tons of apps out there. Lots of people find success looking for threesome partners on Tinder, Bumble, Her, and OKCupid, but there are also apps specifically for finding couples or a third, such as Feeld (previously called 3nder — apt!)
The most important thing about a threesome is that everyone feels comfortable, so don’t feel bad for spending a lot of time deciding on the “who.” A connection is important with one sexual partner, but it’s even bigger when you’re having a threesome. You need to all be on the same page.
4. Set boundaries
This is one of the most important parts of a successful threesome. Decide what you and both of your partners feel comfortable doing. It could be about how and where you touch each other, who initiates, what positions you’re OK with, what you’re comfortable seeing, how you want the three of you to interact — the options are endless. Make sure you include the third person in this conversation too. They’re a person, not a sex toy.
It’s also a good idea to come up with a safe word. Even if you’re practicing BDSM, being able to bow out or stop doing something during a threesome is necessary to make sure everyone is enjoying themselves and connecting with one another.
5. Focus on communication during
We’ve already discussed why it’s so important to communicate before the threesome, but you also want to be talking to each other during as well. Make sure everyone is OK with what’s happening; a threesome is for three people, and making sure no one feels left out or uncomfortable should be the main goal.
6. Discuss it
Afterward, it can be very uncomfortable to initiate a conversation with your partner or the other person about what happened. Make sure to talk, laugh, cuddle, and enjoy your time together. Go out for pizza and talk about movies, or put on a movie and fall asleep. Not talking about it and pretending nothing just happened will just make it all sorts of weird.
Really want to keep the hotness up? Use the experience as dirty talk with your partner in the future. Play to what they said they enjoyed, and you can keep the spark going for weeks.
